Image by kalhh from Pixabay
I’ve come from work, it’s half past ten at night, so after changing and taking off my paint I’ve sat down to dinner.
I love to write, but lately I don’t stop to think too much; that which I also love to do, since, even if I reach poor conclusions, it makes me feel that I am not following the same path that I am mentally dictated to follow, that is, I am not a rebel who goes around breaking the rules, I know what I should do and I do it, but I allow myself to think that I am doing it out of cowardice, for survival, or simply because people I love depend on my actions.
In this life I would have liked to do many crazy things, but crazy things like those in which you forget about the world and go far away, where it is hard to be visited, crazy things like those in which you live in a cabin and where the only thing you hear is when waking up, it’s the beautiful songs of the little birds, crazy ones in which the nearest town has just enough inhabitants to know everyone’s names, those towns where my children would not be in danger. Then I would sit peacefully in front of a large window, breathe in that unique scent of nature, and start writing one of my novels or one of those poems that I wake up to.
But well, I will leave all that for my next life, in this one I have had to follow the rules, and let my inner world grow locked in a cage of pollution, so, since I will never go out, it is better to decorate it with joy and be happy inside her, instead of being unhappy longing for something that will not come.
After dinner, and without wanting to think, I put on my headphones and started watching tik tok, that escape route that little is thought about. I laughed with a few videos, I saved a few others to make them another day, and… there was my beloved Merlí, that philosophy professor who made me think on so many occasions, a series; as I said before, which, for me, marked a before and after, but yes, only the first season, the second season, in which Merlí did not appear, could perfectly well have been thrown away.
I never get tired of watching snippets from that first season, so when one of those snippets shows up on tik tok, I watch it until the end.
On this occasion, Merlí asked what they thought was more difficult; forgive someone or ask for forgiveness? And he explained that, to be forgiven, the first thing is to repent.
It’s strange, but I stopped listening to the video and the conclusions to mentally immerse myself in a debate that was very clear to me from the beginning; If you had asked me, I would have answered that the most difficult thing is to forgive, because to forgive means forgetting, and there are things that are not forgotten.
The day before, I had been discussing the same topic with my two co-workers; Mari Carmen and Almudena.
I know that I have forgiven, when I do not remember the offense, and it is not because I have a bad memory; I have it, it is simply that the one who forgives does not forgive with the heart, but with the mind, despite the fact that it is more romantic to forgive with the heart.
It is easy for me to ask for forgiveness, I tend to analyze myself, and be very critical of myself; when I’m wrong I admit it, even when I know that asking for forgiveness can make life better, I do it, despite knowing that I don’t have to do it, because I think I’m right. In this world it is difficult for someone to apologize sincerely, since we all believe that we possess the absolute truth, we are our only speakers and the opponent’s podium is empty. But how difficult it is to forgive when you have been truly hurt, when you have felt betrayed, when your heart hurts… Because when you don’t care about someone, what they do doesn’t affect you, but when we drop our wall and open the doors to people who they destroy the home of our hearts, that’s when it hurts to forgive, and, dear friends, however much you say the words “I forgive you”, you will never do it, will you? perhaps you are better than me, and the world is not really lost.
